Several spots from this Careerbuilder series have appeared on TV. In each of them, a single human employee tries to go about his tedious business while his coworkers — literally a bunch of monkeys — screech and throw things and play tricks on him. Careerbuilder might help him get a new job, but, c’mon, we all know he’s in for more of the same elsewhere.

In this AOL ad, two cube rats are pictured plodding their way through an office cafeteria buffet line. We get the sense this is part of their daily routine, eating terrible food in a mind-numbing setting, and yet, on this day, one of them is trying to explain AOL’s broadband spam protection using sandwich metaphors. He lops some nasty-looking sauce (calling it “spam”) on top of the schlump’s ham sandwich (which he designates as a “computer on a basic high speed connection”). The resulting message is, um, that you don’t want your Internet connection to be like ruined cafeteria food. I think.

Riffing on the typical contemporary seventeen hour workday, this ad for Citi shows a man busy at his desk whilst his children, wife, and parents all pose behind picture frames. Everyone is groaning but doing his and her best to persevere — after all, his work is important. He finally knocks off for the day, to the voiceover of “Tired of waiting for your reward?” The voice then makes mention of getting digital cameras with one’s Citi card reward. Let’s break it down. Like many office drones, it’s unbelievably important for this guy to have photographic reminders of his family nearby, ostensibly because he rarely sees them in person. And, of course, it’s understood that his family has to make significant sacrifices to accomodate his career — often resulting in relational compromise, but, in this case, it means standing in silence in his office all day long because he can’t yet afford a digital camera. Nevertheless, the Citi salesmen tell us, if he uses his credit card more, he’ll get “rewards,” which can be used to acquire things like digital cameras. And yet, in order to use his credit card more, he has to come up with more money, and so he has to work crazy long hours. His “rewards,” we could surmise, are not limited to shiny objects. I almost forgot: to follow this logic, we have to purge from our collective intellect the notion that he wouldn’t care so much about photos (or digital cameras) if he just stopped working such long hours and saw his family more often. And in the end, doesn’t this ad just perfectly epitomize the rat race?

Flipping the average Joe fan and superstar athlete relationship on its head, this Pepsi ad shows a bunch of shirt-and-tie employees holding a conference room meeting while, through a glass wall, numerous well-known athletes, including baseball’s Alex Rodriguez and Vladimir Guerrero, soccer’s Freddy Adu, and Nascar’s Jeff Gordon (hm, I realize I just said “athletes,” but…), watch — bored out of their fucking skulls — the office proceedings. At one point, the guy working an overhead projector even uses the magical nonsense word “strategalutions” to describe his thrilling tasks, and the voiceover says, “It’s a lot more fun watching athletes do their jobs.” How true. Now, how exactly does any of this relate to Pepsi?

[This post has been stored in The Office Ads Archive.]

Ahem.

Andrew Saikali over at the book blog, The Millions (created by C. Max Magee), shared this account of hearing Coupland read from jPod in January.

As for Coupland’s work-in-progress, it will be a sequel to Microserfs entitled jPod. Allusions to the ubiquitous iPod aside, jPod is actually the name of a corner of an office housing 6 employees whose last names begin with a J. Coupland says that this novel will essentially be about “corporate intrusion into private memory.” Heady stuff. But the passage he read came off a bit light-weight and a bit forced. It was a scene in which the 6 employees discuss McDonald’s, and in particular Ronald McDonald, and in particular Ronald McDonald’s sex-life. They decide that they should each compose and read to the group a “love letter” to Ronald. Then we hear the letters, and they were amusing to a point, and I suppose they do reveal a bit about the individual characters, and the passage seemed to go off well with the audience. But the whole thing came off a bit jokey. And once the whole unusual premise was set, even a bit obvious.

In this spot, a housewife wanders into the AOL corporate headquarters, walks up to a random employee in his cubicle and, with a cute toddler-like speech impediment, says, “I hear AOL is helping protect me against identity theft.” The employee says yes, spyware, blah, blah, and the woman replies: “Well I just wanted to say thanks, so I baked you my famous apple crumbcake.” She hands him her crumbcake and the commercial ends with several other employees groundhogging because they smell baked goods. Especially in an industry marked by so many technical frustrations for customers, AOL desperately wants to show it is accountable and, like the police force, working hard to “protect” civilians. It’s also such an obvious low-ball: blissfully tech-ignorant housewives must amount to a significant portion of AOL’s clientele. The idea of them trading homemade cake or pie for peace of mind and safety from criminals has to be an all powerful elixir.

This Capital One ad has run in various forms for what seems like an eternity. It’s a time-worn sales scenario, too: portray the competition as unhelpful and annoying and finish with promises of responsiveness, accessibility, and respect. In this series, ex-Saturday Night Live comedian David Spade plays a customer service rep whose policy it is to say “No” to every question directed his way. In this particular ad, one of his trainees, a spineless chub with a flat top, parrots the “No” mantra until an angry, burly customer steps off the elevator and chases him around the cube farm.

Soon after AOL released its insidious housewife/ crumbcake narrative to the world, NetZero put out a parody of the ad where a housewife bum-rushes an AOL boardroom meeting, and, dumping her baby in the arms of a nearby suit and walking atop the conference table, makes demands about what she wants from her ISP. She’s told by an AOL exec that she’ll only get her demands — especially the $9.95 per month service — met by NetZero. In addition to acessibility, then, this customer finds a refreshing honesty in the corporate boardroom.

[This post has been stored in The Office Ads Archive.]

Foosball at InSystems

Merry-Go-Round at Macromedia

Putting Green at Macromedia

Mini Office Ping Pong Table

Cubicle Desk Art

Your First 90 Days In A New Job (How To Make An Impact)
by William Robinson

Excerpt:
One of the hardest conversations to have with a person is about their personal hygiene. It sounds like an easy conversation but it will truly be the hardest conversation you will have. It is harder when the person is of the opposite sex. If you have to have a conversation like that put one thought in your mind first. If someone had to talk to you about your hygiene, how would you want him or her or her to tell you? It can’t be easy for anyone to hear that they smell or they are unclean.

Surviving The Workplace While Keeping Your Soul Intact
by C. K. Gold

Excerpt from the Acknowledgements:
This book would not have been written if not for the bullies and supervisors who attempted to torment my life and others. These individuals think they have won the fight only to find out the have created an educational tool which will prevent their activities from making more victims. To the Victor goes the spoils! And to God, for his mercy and grace, and for his always remaining with me. I was never alone in my tribulation. I know I am a child of God and pray for the poor souls who attack one.

Your Future Day: At the Office - A Prophecy of Your Amazing Near Future
by Douglas Kendall

Statement:
This latest book of the entertaining Your Future Day series shows the amazing technology supporting the office worker of the near future. But this particular future day is anything but typical! Will you survive?? You wake up in your ultra-comfortable future house, commute in your remarkable flycar, enjoy instantaneous worldwide virtual-reality communication, and cope with worldwide corporate intrigues.

If Cubicles Could Talk: Conversation for the Female New Hire in Corporate America
by Kim Beamon

Excerpt:
“Can you believe she´s actually wearing that outfit to work?!*”
“Can you believe how drunk she was at the party last night?”
“What kind of hair-do is that anyway?”
“She always has an attitude, that´s nothing new.”
“Somebody needs to say something to her about her body odor.”
“Do you think she could be more negative?”
“No she wasn´t smoking a cigar!”
“I can´t believe she´s polishing her nails at her desk!”
“She´s not trying to work, she´s trying to get a date.”
“Why does she act so helpless?”

Aliens, Unicorns and Executives . . . It’s Back to Business BASICs - Baby!
by Michael Boch

Statement:
It’s Back to Business BASICs, is the theme of this quick reading, and must have books for any entrepreneur, small business owner, or business executive. Learn about the 20 key areas within all businesses. This is an outstanding business management reading that covers such areas as: customers, competitors, suppliers, cash, capital, reporting, training, internal accounting controls, structure, rewards, fun, marketing, sales, information systems, operations, vision, planning, communication and management. Written by a CPA that has seen plenty of horror stories while working within industry, Aliens, Unicorns & Executives . . . It’s Back to Business BASICs – Baby!, should be on everyone’s list of the best books for early small and mid-sized companies.

Corporate Leadership: An employee’s point of view
by Steven Kernan

Excerpt:
What I have found through these experiences is that almost every employee desires to do a great job and that employees need to feel Proud of their contributions and Stable in their jobs. They need to feel a sense of Prosperity so they can plan for the future and they need to feel Secure with their employer and with company leaders. I call these the “PSPS” needs: Pride, Stability, Prosperity and Security. If corporations ignore these basic needs, they will not receive 100% from their employees.

Diary of an Adman: How I rediscovered freedom, fun and creativity by starting my own advertising company
by Chris Epting

Statement:
On the verge of turning 40, I decided to leave my job as Senior Vice President/Creative Director at a mid-sized Southern California Advertising Agency to start my own company. Not a full service agency, but rather a creative resource–a company that could deliver exceptional work and thinking without all of the hassles and expense of conventional agencies. And I decided to keep a journal of my first year in business. This book you’re holding now. I’ve included tips on creating advertising, stories, advice observations—as much about advertising as I could squeeze in. Plus much of the day to day stuff. The effects on the family. Everything.

Do Managers Really Know How to Manage?: How to Lose or Keep a Good Hardworking Employee
by Eden Rosen

Excerpt:

Betraying an employee’s confidence is only one example of how an employer can humiliate an employee. For example, an employee told one of her managers that she liked a certain show. Instead of keeping the conversation between them, the manager, who was in her office, humiliated the employee by yelling she’s got a crush on _______. At the time, the employee was on the phone having a conversation with one of the people involved in the show. The employee was embarrassed and never said anything concerning the incident to this particular manager.

How To Communicate With “Difficult” People: A Survival Guide
by Anne Kimbell, Karen Wilson

Statement:
How well do you cope with difficult people in trying situations? Do you lose your cool and your temper? Or do you turn the situation into a win; win one by your skillful handling of some of the following situations: the office back stabber who talks about you at the coffee machine; the person who takes credit for the work that you have done; the boss who puts a hand on your knee under the table at a business meeting. What do you do if you get caught in the middle of a feud between two co-workers?

The Winning Temp: How to be successful as a temporary employee in the new millenium
by John Lyman

Excerpt:
Some companies view Temps as “necessary pests.” They’re needed but not always wanted. Regardless of the reasons why, Temps can prove that label to be wrong if they are given the right tools to succeed. If you want to succeed as a Temp, you need to know how to have an edge over the man other people like yourself who are looking for Temp work. The competition among applicants for Temp work is fierce. Don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise.

Tailing Mulligan: Mastering the Art of Workplace Communication
by Robert K. Skacel, Jr. Ph.D.

Statement:
Think communication is a problem in your office? Try working for a multinational corporation where the boss really does bite off heads, your co-worker is an oversensitive pig, and the suspicious rodents you supervise misread your attempts to save their jobs. Follow the blunders and challenges of Jerry Mulligan as he rises through the ranks with guidance from a seasoned friend. Learn from Jerry’s mistakes and avoid repeating them!